100 men can beat a Gorilla…

…On Paper. Of course they can. Arsenal can beat Bournemouth on paper. Anything is possible in an ideal world. I am a project manager, you should see me when I am planning my projects. You do this, then you will do that and when that happens you will do this. Bish Bash Bosh! I even do risk analysis to premeditate any potential fuck ups. My current project should ve been delivered in October of last year, and now our project weekly update is a virtual therapy room where we just cry and console each other like the scene in fight club. And I am sure people have quoted Mike Tyson during this silly debate: “Everybody has got a plan until they get hit in the face”…or in this case until they see a gorilla tear off a face. On paper anything is possible.

The main assumption is that weapons are not allowed, right?

The first issue when you translate this debate into reality is the universal acknowledgement that some people will die…" Yes some people will die o, but kini kan kini kan" and I am like hold on, hold on you can’t just gloss over “some people will die”. I asked my friend who brought this debate to my radar

Will you be part of the 100 men?

Yes, as long as I am not in the first wave?

What the fuck then? Who will volunteer to be part of this first wave? Should you not be leading by example? That is the issue with reality. It becomes real!

There is an argument that some people are not scared of dying. Take soldiers for example, they enlist with the full knowledge that death is a possibility, except they know what they are dying for. In the Iliad, before the Greek went to war with the Trojans an oracle told them that the first man to set foot on the shores of Troy will die and Protesilaus decided the sacrifice himself for the honor of Greece. For the honor of his country, like soldiers.

Your first challenge therefore, is to convince a bunch of niggas to sacrifice themselves to settle an online debate.

Let’s say you get over this challenge and you find some people stupid enough to sacrifice themselves. What type of niggas do you imagine will offer themselves up? Idiots. You will have idiots that are disposable like pawns. The bitch ass niggas, because your strategy will be to hold back the real niggas that can do damage right? Now imagine 30 bitch ass niggas and a gorilla, and remember, these are not ordinary bitch ass niggas, because the 100 people that want fight a gorilla for the sake of settling an online argument are inherently stupid, so the 30 bitch ass niggas are the bitchiest and assiests of these niggas.What damage will 30 bitch ass niggas do?

And this leads me on to the second challenge; mental fortitude. We all know about the PTSD experienced by veterans that have witnessed the true horrific nature of warfare, seeing your comrade blown to pieces has an impact on your mental fortitude. Oya, imagine 29 bitc..I will just call them B.A.N, 29 B.A.Ns seeing their comrade’s face ripped off by a fucking gorilla. It will be at that exact moment that Tyson’s law will come into play.

I think about death a lot. I have my exit strategy all planned out including the triggers. One of the triggers is that if I have some fucked up illness that is causing me too much pain, I am out. I have made it clear to Tiwa that she is not to stop me or prolong the process, if she does, I will haunt her so hard when I eventually die, hollywood will be making a movie about the haunting for decades! My death if I have the privileged of planning it will be swift and painless. I want to stick with "swift" here because different people have different pain thresholds, but a common theme when people off themselves is that it is quick. Nobody wants a dragged out death which will be what will happen if a Gorilla rips a face off, it will be slow and fucking painful. So even though 30 B.A.Ns signed off to be offed, they will not want a slow and drawn out death, and when they see the fate of the first B.A.N, their spirit will break and your plan would be in tatters! Now you are left with say 70 idiots who would have witnessed the scene and will be thinking maybe this was a bad idea.

There is another challenge which is my favourite; unknown unknowns. Human beings have this annoying egotistical habit of over estimating what they know and can do which is why this debate is a thing in the first place. Take adrenaline rush as an example, when a human being gets an adrenaline rush, part of the effect is an enhanced strength and performance. Since a gorilla is a primate, it is safe to assume there will be an equivalent, right? What does that look like in a gorilla?

Every now and then on nature channel you would see a prey fight back against a predator…Mother Nature just has a way of throwing up these fun little surprises that human beings are incapable of anticipating.

I have given this debate too much thought at this point, but I would like to round up by sharing a story a friend told me a while back. This friend used to work in the health care industry and his role was keeping an eye on the special needs patients. One of these patients was 6 feet something ex Russian soldier. One day the Russian was having…erm a moment….no one could get close to him and they had to exit the facility for their own safety after which they called the police. A number of policemen showed up and they did a quick assessment of the situation as per their training. The result of the assessment was that they are not adequately trained to handle the situation and they called in the special force. Those ones came in, lobbed a couple of tear gas cannisters in and knocked the dude out. The moral of that story is that in real life people use sense when their lives are in danger. You will never get 100 men to fight a fucking gorilla cos that is just daft, so the debate is literally pointless and I am sorry for wasting your time by contributing to this debate.

P.S: That being said, I can guarantee you that somewhere an idiot is planning a reality T.V where a 100 men will fight a fucking Gorilla. Such is the state of the world will live in now and when that happens, I will watch and rejoice at the death of anyone stupid enough to engage a fucking gorilla.

P.P.S : And for those that are saying it is just a thought experiment, I will say to you what I said to my wife when she said that "the universe only exists when it is being observed" is a thought experiment, it is a stupid thought. Think about something useful!