It is fascinating how you evolve as you grow older. I was on a training course a few weeks ago and we did that personality test, not Myers-Briggs, a different one. Apparently, I am in the quadrant of people that love stability and are afraid of changes. Initially, I refused to accept that conclusion:
Are you sure? run am again.
I ran it again and my personality is so ingrained that I couldn’t even change my answers enough to give me a different result.
Nope. Still green. Just accept you like a steady ship.
I was sure I would be red (the dominating, get-shit-done type). I am green, I am all about kumbaya and everyone getting along. Since when?
My colleague was looking at me struggling to accept my destiny and reminded me that I didn’t come to the office for a month because they moved our workstation.
Yea, but they didn’t need to move it, we were happy upstairs!
Tiwa will be reading the paragraphs above and the first thing she will say is Duh Doy! 90% percent of our fights start we “but we agreed….”. We would have a conversation about a specific topic, and come to an agreement, and to me, that is that done. I allocate the matter to the “resolved” session in my brain and then out of nowhere:
Ope I know we said that we would do…, but I was thinking…
OMG! Tiwa why do you always do this? We agreed…
And then we start the process.
Ope you are too rigid, you are the most inflexible person I have ever met in my life
Dude, we agreed, its done, why
You didn’t even let me finish
BUT WE AGREED.
That is usually the hardest part because she will then say what she was thinking and it will be a reasonable suggestion and then I internally process it and come around. My struggle is usually around why we need to change something that has been agreed upon. We spoke about it, agreed, and parked it. She will now go behind my back to…I don’t know…think. Such betrayal.
Luckily AJ is taking after me in that regard. She is a very straightforward individual and love her routine. She loves homemade chicken fajitas, and as soon as she sees the yellow box it comes in, she licks her lips.
Hmmm, yummy
She will eat it all day.
Enter Tiwa.
We have been eating chicken faijtas too much, lets try it with beef.
Ok, sure. Will AJ eat it though?
Yes now, she loves fajitas.
It started well until AJ took her first bite, and it wasn’t chicken.
The “mum what the fuck is this” look that she gave Tiwa was priceless.
I digress. I didn’t need to reflect too deeply to see why I love stability and I am scared of change. I am a very simple being, stability gives me peace of mind and there is not I value more than peace of mind. Any attempt to disrupt that stability always generates a defensive reaction and the older I get the more value I place on peace of mind and by extension stability. Life is a dick and the only way I am able to ride that dick is by being stable, don’t come in with your ideas and suggestions and throw me off my rhythm, and the next thing I know life is fucking me in ways I didn’t sign up for!
My work-life balance is so balanced at the moment that I go into panic mode if I think of anything that might disrupt that balance.
You can’t grow if you don’t embrace change and leave your comfort zone though. That is my dilemma. Even as I am writing this, the part of me that is change averse is so strong that all I want to talk about is how comfortable my comfort zone is. It is called a comfort zone for a reason. I have a good job; a loving family and I surround myself with good people. What am I looking for outside of this zone? In this world of Putin, and Rishi Sunak. What am I looking for outside?
Growth.
Tiwa and I were reminiscing about “back in the day” and how far we have come. We wouldn’t have come far if we had stayed in one…zone. I know this and again the green part is telling me, yeah but that zone wasn’t that comfortable. You were traveling up and down and then you were working in a dying industry; you had no choice but to leave that zone because it wasn’t comfortable. This zone right now is lit. So, tell me again, what are you looking for outside?
Growth.
This is wild because again, the next line I have is “Maybe growth is overrated” “Where are you growing to” “Guy you are happy” “Putin” “Ukraine” “Atomic Bomb”.
Luckily for me, I don’t have a choice, I am part of a family, and even if I don’t want to, AJ will grow and that zone will be slightly less comfortable and then there is my shining star of a wife. Even if I want to, shame won’t let me stay still. It's funny that the only people that will directly influence my desire to leave my comfort zone are the ones that are inside the zone with me.
Fuck I hate change.
In the most ironic irony though, programme management and change management are the next rungs on my career ladder. Should be fun.